November 2009

The Bar Beat — Putting a Price on Justice?

by Michael Heatherly

Because of shortfalls in government funding, some courts are considering drastic measures, including multiple user fees, to maintain services. In the near future, we may see something like this:

[Attorney Tiffany Plaint enters the Enterprise County Superior Court Clerk’s office and is immediately met at the counter by an eager young man wearing a badge inscribed “Tad Tumuch, Litigant Satisfaction Specialist.”]

TT: Welcome to Enterprise County Superior Court. I’m Tad. How may I help you, ma’am?

TP: I just need to file a complaint for a civil action.

TT: Have you litigated with us before?

TP: Uh, no. I don’t usually practice in this county.

TT: Well, I just need to see photo I.D. and a major credit card.

TP: Credit card?

TT: Yes, ma’am. For services.

TP: Services?

TT: Judicial services, ma’am. That’s our business, as you know. And here in Enterprise County, we have developed what we feel is the best system in the state for delivering exceptional justice at an affordable cost for consumers while maintaining sound budgetary practices.

TP: Well, that’s commendable — uh, Tad — but all I need is to file this complaint. What’s your filing fee?

TT: I’m sorry, ma’am. With all due respect, we no longer follow the filing-fee model, which we consider obsolete. Instead, we offer a range of litigation packages tailored to the needs of you and your clients. May I ask what type of case you have?

TP: Well, it’s a catastrophic injury case involving a bridge collapse.

TT: Sounds complicated! But we have just the thing for you with our Key to the Courthouse Premium Pak. For $2,499, you can file three pleadings of your choice plus a summary judgment motion and a demand for jury, all at no extra charge. For each document, the first 1,000 words are free, including Latin phrases. You also get priority scheduling for trial and guaranteed use of a senior judge. This is really popular on the big civil cases.

TP: Wait a minute. We have to pay $2,500 just to litigate in this court?

TT: No, ma’am — certainly not. We have lower-cost plans for more modest budgets. I can show you the Justice for All Pak. That’s usually $1,499, but with our “Fall into Justice” promotion, it’s just $999. I don’t think you’re going to find justice at that price anywhere else.

TP: Look. Can’t I just write a check for a couple hundred dollars, file the complaint, and deal with the other stuff later?

TT: Oh, you drive a hard bargain, ma’am. [Grinning] But you’re trying to keep costs down for your client and I respect that. I think the best thing for you would be our Justice on Demand Valu Pak. It’s our lowest-priced option. For $599, you get one pleading of up to 2,000 words plus $100 in Court Bucks, which you can use toward additional services. Other than that, it’s pay-as-you-go.

TP: Pay for what as I go?

TT: Well, additional pleadings are $200 each up to 1,000 words. Motions are $100, trial scheduling is $175, and demand for jury is $100. Pre-trial conferences are $200 per hour for each party. Of course, the trial itself is still free, but it’s pretty bare-bones. If you think this is going to trial, I’d highly recommend one of our Trial Enhancement packages.

TP: Trial Enhancement package? Is that even constitutional?

TT: I can’t give legal advice, ma’am, but what I can do is offer you our Trial Without Tribulation Pak, which gives you padded chairs and premium desk lamps at the counsel table, free wi-fi, and boxed deli lunches — your choice of turkey, roast beef, or vegetarian. If you sign up today, I’ll even throw in a 15-minute neck massage, all for only $69.99. Oh, and since it’s an injury case, I’d suggest our Emotional De-Stress Kit. That gives you bottled water served cold at all recesses, unlimited facial tissue, and a water-resistant legal pad. You get all that for only $39.99. One of our best bargains.

TP: Listen, Tad. Here’s what I’ll do, I’ll give you $1,000 total for the Key to the Courthouse Premium Pak, the Trial Without Tribulation Pak, and the Emotional De-Stress Kit. That’s my final offer.

TT: You’re new here and I like you, ma’am. So I’m going to take you up on that. Oh, and I nearly forgot, you can save another 10 percent if you apply for our Enterprise County Visa card.

TP: No thanks on the Visa, but we’ll take two turkeys and a vegetarian on the sandwiches. Hold the mayo.

Bar News Editor Michael Heatherly practices in Bellingham. He can be reached at 360-312-5156 or barnewseditor@wsba.org.