Category – Alcoholism

Recovery Is Not a Four-Letter Word

It's gotten so that recovery from drugs or alcohol is almost a cliché (Murphy Brown, Sam Malone) and certainly a source of great humor (Saturday Night Live's Stuart Smalley). Time magazine even suggests that Bill Clinton will be the "recovery president," and Al Gore is a long time exponent of The Program.

Convinced that this column, though not the first to address this subject, need not be the last, I offer the following:

1. "Nobody's gonna tell me what to do with my life!" Well, maybe. The plain fact is that it takes some level of crisis to get someone into a drug and/or alcohol recovery program. No one I know was just wandering serenely through life and one day decided to duck into a twelve-step meeting.

   When the door of my life was rudely kicked in over three years ago, my reaction was first rage and then revenge. I was hit between the eyes with a threat involving my children and my job, and it came from a particularly malevolent source. "How dare that #@*! have the audacity to criticize my life?"

   My feeling today is one of thanks. How this transformation took place would take more telling than this space allows. For now, accept the fact that this reversal is not unique.

   What happened is that I ended up telling myself what to do with my life. It was my misery and my powerlessness over drugs and alcohol that convinced me to try to make a change.

2. Being forced into recovery is not all bad: it could be worse. Some people die from alcohol or drug abuse. Some people kill others. Most people I know have hurt others around them and have treated themselves as badly or worse.

   The decision to do something about the situation can be motivated by fear, desperation, pressure from family or friends, or a cop or a judge. Then, all that is suggested is that you give yourself a chance and listen to what's being said for awhile. In my case, I decided that time was awastin' and that I deserved to give myself a break.

   Compared to the lengths I went to and the time I spent obtaining, using, protecting, paying for, lying about, and suffering from mind-altering substances, the time learning about recovering from addiction has been small indeed.

3. Was it drugs, or alcohol, or both? Of course, recovery's not for everyone. People who drink aren't necessarily alcoholics. I do submit, however, that there is no such thing as a "casual" drug user.

   The questions I eventually asked myself were (a) whether my life was being adversely affected by the things I was putting in my body on a regular basis, and (b) if I could stop if I wanted to.

   For some time, I knew I hated what drugs and alcohol were doing to me and my family. For whatever reason, I couldn't quit, despite trying many times and making promises to myself. I kept breaking the promises, and I eventually grew depressed about setting myself up to fail.

4. "I failed, and I'm a loser because I ended up in treatment. Sure I've got a little problem, but the cure sounds worse than the disease." I don't trust statistics any more than the next person, but I can't help believing that as a class of business people, lawyers are particularly susceptible to drug and alcohol abuse, not to mention myriad other addictions out there. I seems to come with the territory.

   Most of the people I have met in recovery are talented, assertive, fairly --- to very ---- bright, Type A folks. It's been like looking in the mirror, if you'll pardon the self-aggrandizement. Alcoholics I know include partners in large Seattle law firms, one of our Association presidents, doctors, business owners, entrepreneurs, authors, preachers, and just ordinary, wonderful folks. We share lots of laughter, a sense of personal spirituality and warm relationships.

   It turns out that even lawyers can admit they are powerless over some things and live to tell about it.

5. "Time to wind this up, Counsel." I know that if I had been reading this a few years ago, my prurient interest might have got me through to the end, but to apply it to moi?! No way. So what's my motive here? Just a little inside information for what it's worth. You may not have needed to hear all this, but somebody you know probably does. I have not known a person to fail in recovery once he or she decided the pain was bad enough and was honestly willing to change. My life has never been better, and I've never felt as comfortable in my own skin doing what we do for a living. I am always pleased to talk with anyone in confidence about this subject, and so are others among your peers.

Note

The Lawyers' Assistance Program (LAP) is a confidential service providing assessment and referral for a broad range of problems confronting lawyers. These include stress, burnout, depression, career dissatisfaction, aging issues, alcohol and drug abuse. For more information, contact LAP at (206) 727-8268.

Originally printed in the Washington State Bar News, April 1993.