A Real Killer
Depression can kill.
It kills directly or indirectly, quickly or slowly.
Depression can be terminal for individuals, families, marriages, businesses and vocations.
Lawyers and law firms are all too often among its casualties.
Depression is always painful, even when transitory.
My depression was lifelong. That I can refer to it in past tense shows that depression can be beaten, but it took the Lawyers’ Assistance Program (LAP) and self-effort to get to this point. The wisdom and allegiance of my spouse has also been immeasurably important to my recovery.
Years before the LAP was established by the WSBA, I came to realize that I had a problem. But that happened long after I had set my course as an underachiever in school, in law and in my family.
Denial is a strong component of depression (or any other impairment, for that matter), I had been given opportunities to seek help along the way, but one of the expressions of my denial was to join those who declare psychology to be "a liberal art posing as a science".
I had successes. Like my only brother, I made a comfortable living and enjoyed some of the outward signs of accomplishment. When his marriage failed, I gave no conscious thought to emotional illness. (No one in my family is screwed up.)
When my marriage failed, I received help for a few weeks, almost accidentally, but then rationalized therapy away as merely expensive, slow, silly and inconclusive. Besides, I convinced myself, the pain of the pending divorce would pass. I didn’t allow myself to see the divorce as a symptom.
When my brother killed himself, I rationalized that the reasons for his death were inconsequential, choosing instead to focus only on the grief of his passing. I knew somehow, again without a conscious ability to realize it, that to go farther into his makeup at that point would necessarily have compelled me to examine myself, which would simply have made the pain unbearable. (In some was denial is a defense mechanism.)
Later, when I came to learn that I was prone to self-destruction, I saw the family and business wreckage that followed his self-devastation. Nevertheless, I ignored the lessons of his death.
Although suicide is not an inevitable consequence of chronic depression, some sort of destruction usually results. The fatigue, anger, guilt and confusion of depression frequently result in alcoholism, drug abuse, career and family turmoil. Alcohol and drugs are known, efficient, and inevitable killers. Job loss, career dissatisfaction and physical or financial risk-taking can also be symptoms of the illness. The law partner whose billings fall off or who alienates clients with his irritability, impatience or procrastination may well be destroying him/herself because of depression. All too often the practice, the firm reputation or the firm itself is the only apparent victim.
I decided that something had to be done when I realized that my second marriage was experiencing many of the same problems as my first. I was the only constant in the two unions. And I was drinking too much. I consulted my family physician and took his referral.
Five years later, having gone on to try everything I could short of faith healing, I was still utterly and pervasively sad, obsessive and anxious. My voice was flat much of the time. People would comment on my declining appearance, in spite of my efforts at grooming. I was in-house counsel at the time, and my of my lay co-workers came to dislike and even despise me. (Ironically, during that same time, lawyers awarded me national recognition for my "professional" accomplishments. Paranoia, obsessiveness, distrust and even irascibility can fuel success in a profession.)
I set a date for my death and made the necessary arrangements for my family. However, the prescription medicines I was taking, as directed, made me so physically ill that I was hospitalized. I was angered, but not surprised, when I was consigned to a mental ward. Six weeks later, I was physically repaired and under a new chemical regimen by the same "prominent" physician who had prescribed me to death’s threshold. My emotional health was no better.
I went to the LAP offices. I was impressed with the pragmatic approach of the staff. Their credentials and the fact of Bar sponsorship gave the program added credibility. The confidentiality was important. The fact that the services were offered at a nominal cost was significant because emotional illness or chemical abuse often leaves personal finances in a shambles, and my case was no exception. (Obsessive spending is often a clue to impairment, and any medical treatment is expensive.)
In my case LAP assisted me in finding physicians who were better qualified, but less expensive and well-marketed than my psychiatrist. Medications were changed and greatly reduced, and although it took me some months to brave admitting that I actually felt better, others saw an almost immediate improvement.
My regimen was supplemented by attendance at a weekly meeting with a group of fellow lawyers who were also impaired with a variety of ailments. It was after one of those discussions that I realized that I was embarrassed and that the cause of my shame was not, unusually, depression. It came from my discovery that I was feeling better than any of the other lawyers in the group and that self-pity had become inappropriate. I knew then that I was fine and that serious, clinical depression was behind me.
With my new self-esteem and health, I was able to extricate myself from a bad job situation and establish myself in private practice. I can now get up in the morning without a struggle and look forward to working with people, two of my biggest difficulties when ill. My finances are falling back into line, and my family is enjoying me. I can now focus, prioritize, and concentrate. I hope to repay part of my debt to the LAP and the Bar Association by helping fellow lawyers as a peer counselor. Besides, it’s good for me.
For more information on depression of any distress symptoms (eating disorders, chronic procrastination, alcoholism, anxiety attacks, anger problems, etc.) call the Lawyers’ Assistance Program at (206) 727-8268. All calls are strictly confidential.
Originally printed in the Washington State Bar News, October 1990.
